So let me get this straight… reality, perspectives, more reality
You know how you can read something that draws you in, you find yourself taking a little mental side trip, and then suddenly somebody smacks the reality right back at ya? Here’s how it went for me today… While taking a break and checking out Facebook on my phone I came across a posting that caused me to take that mental side trip. It read, ”So, let me get this straight…Charlie Sheen can make a “porn family,” Kelsey Grammer can end a 15-year marriage over the phone, Larry King can be on divorce #9, Britney Spears had a 55-hour marriage, Jesse James and Tiger Woods, while married, were having sex with EVERYONE. Yet, the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage?” When I read it I sort of chuckled because of what I perceived to be the simple, and almost absurdly obvious, point it made. I was so wishing that I had an internet connection to copy and paste it onto my page but I didn’t. So reminding myself to do just that later, I returned to the mission at hand and stepped back up to the station I was manning.
As I was reflecting on the post, and greeting passers-by, I thought about the fact that next week we will celebrate our 25th anniversary. That is no small accomplishment in our circles. It hasn’t always been perfect, but we’ve endured and continue to grow ever stronger with time. There is so much to celebrate in that, but it also comes with the reminder that our relationship holds less privilege, value, and credibility than even those in the quote. The implication is that I somehow am partly responsible for all that is evil/dangerous in the world. Now, rest assured that I don’t hold that opinion, so I left that train of thought and went back to thinking about our anniversary. I was thinking about all that had changed over the last 25 years, how our families and friends have embraced our life, how much social support I have felt when the issue of marriage or unions has come up, and that even though we still couldn’t legalize our partnership we were living our lives as though it didn’t matter.
And that is when it happened… a middle-aged man was scanning the information on my table. I greeted him enthusiastically, but his response was less than affirming about anything that I stood for. He was never hostile in tone, but he was certainly hostile in heart. He started by telling me that he would never support an organization like ours… that we were not sharing the right values, our Christian roots, and were “remnants of those feminist times”… he managed to get in “welfare” (of course he did), Obama (go figure), fatherless children with welfare moms and how his taxes were paying for healthcare, etc., and that nobody felt they had to be responsible about anything. And THEN, he even got around to saying that the revenue from the ”American Girl” dolls supported NOW and “the homosexuals.” Are you kidding??? I’m giving you the short version, cause he went on and on… What was most frightening to me was that he mentioned that he mentors young African-American men in this community. What was most bizarre was that before he finally stepped away he shook my hand and gave me his card and then he said that he had “an expansive resume of topics he could speak or teach on” if I was ever interested… Again I say, REALLY??? John Woods (yep, his name) was not ranting or threatening, but his arrogance was clear.
So there you go… it DOES matter. I am comforted by my family and community (as I define it) and affirmed by my faith, but it is actually a pretty insular comfort. It ALL matters. John Woods can NOT define me or affect who I am, but he (and others like him) will only continue to breed malice and hate in others. We can’t let that happen. We have to hold firm that we are not asking to be more than… only equal to! I KNOW that I am worthy but apparently my government has forgotten.
Thanks for taking this ride with me. I’ll look forward to doing it again soon! For now, I’ve got an anniversary to prepare for!
Justice, politics, and the status quo
I’ve been so out of my own loop lately that I haven’t sat down long enough to write all the many gems that are in my head just waiting to blow out. This morning I was reading a blog written by someone that I met this week at a book signing at the ywca. Sylvia Clute is a local collaborative lawyer, author, blogger, and all-round interesting woman. With the upcoming elections, and all of the annoying propaganda that goes with them, I thought she gave a great perspective and wanted to share. Her link is below. I think it is a good read!
http://www.genuinejustice.com/2010/09/making-sense-of-political-nonsense.html
Forgiveness
This was among the entries for a “forgiveness post card” contest. I thought it was incredibly powerful and could mean so much for so many. We are all silenced at times… intentional or not… what silences you? Do you now fly? Is there anything I can do?
Virginia is for Lovers… well, not necessarily…
Recently an article was written by gayrva.com (see link) about a lesbian couple, and their daughter, being denied a family membership at the American Family Fitness Center on Brook Road in Richmond. Oddly, the couple had already held a “family membership” at AFF for some time but it had lapsed. When they wanted to renew their membership and include their daughter the staff’s excitement over their return quickly became dismissive and rigid. “It is policy.” “We only allow family memberships to those who meet the Virginia definition of family – a man and a woman…” Really?? This family that they rejected is a good friend of ours. Anyone who knows them will tell you that they exemplify the best of parenting. They are family focused, faith-centered, and driven by their hearts – for the betterment of all. The AFF staff’s solution was to offer one woman with the child a family membership and the other parent to sign up as a single adult. Oh sure, that makes perfect sense. No problem. Although the storyline infuriated me, I had to laugh out loud when I saw Wikipedia’s description of American Family Fitness. from Wikipedia >> AFF’s mission is centered around providing a positive fitness experience for the entire family except for gay and lesbian families http://www.gayrva.com/2010/08/03/american-family-denies-family-membership-to-lesbian-couple/
What I have to wonder now is: will AFF ultimately lose memberships, on principal, because of their policy and exclusionary practices (and if they do, will anybody know about it); or, will AFF become the fitness center of choice for hardline right “families” who don’t want to mix with the unenlightened – guilt by association. I’m sure there is a less black and white response to that question – and I won’t presume that membership with AFF implies support of their policy – but I’m wondering … can’t help but wonder…
Complex and contradictory
Sometimes I think we are probably all a little schizophrenic. But that is really neither here nor there. I had one of those convoluted millisecond thought sequences earlier today that risked causing my brain to explode. The point comes later, but here’s how it went… I was headed to a funeral, second one for this family in a week. Very sad, but only for those left behind. Peaceful for those whose lives were no longer their own. But faith and the words of well-intended mourners tell us that we will all be together again in the future (a momentary flash of “the rapture” and a chuckle about everyone disappearing at the same time). Those now anticipated reunions are supposed to give comfort, and most of the time they do, to some degree. But one of the most comforting things is the thought that those departed are never really gone, we are not alone – their sick bodies become whole, they are reunited with those that went before, they live in infinite bliss, are all-knowing and become guardian angels.
Okay, here’s the point… or the question… What good does it do to spend our lives living the way we think someone else wants us to live and justify our actions (or lack of actions) by saying that we can’t/won’t “do” something until after “add name/relationship here” is dead? We don’t want to disappoint, etc. So… someone dear passes on and the next thing you know you’ve got a tattoo (well, that’s what I did – you get the idea) … The contradiction - we talk about the comfort of knowing they are still with us… We give them omnipresent and omnipotent powers after death. So do we think that our guardian angels just don’t care anymore (more questions…)? Do we think that because they’re in heaven, and everything is perfect, that somehow they are protected from the things that would have upset them on earth? Or do we decide that we don’t have to feel guilty if we don’t have to see the look in their eyes or hear the disappointment in their voice?
Well, I know that I said “the point” would come, but apparently I was wrong. Perhaps the philosophical voice inside my head just got carried away – again. It only served to remind me that we are complex beings, living in a complex world, and that we are all fodder for a study of contradictions.
Longwood… “The Farm”… Chi… Joanie on the… Sigma Kappa…
I LOVE SOCIAL NETWORKING!!! I just spent a few minutes perusing my Facebook friends and found some folks that I haven’t seen (although I’ve certainly thought about them) in 25+ years! I see them exactly as they were, I remember their voices, and I can’t begin to tell you how much the flood of memories is making me smile. I remember all the fun we had and the trouble we got in (or almost got in). With every new face I came across there was another flood of new pictures in my mind. So I want to say “Thank you!” to all those who were part of my journey then and now (via flashback)!
It reminds me of a posting I read recently about the red thread. I’ve included it at the end. Longwood was just a College then, not a University – hell, it was hardly co-ed. I went to Longwood, by default, because my mother and I couldn’t agree on my options. But my time there was, without a doubt, perhaps the greatest gift ever. The women of Longwood taught me about life, friendships, love, facing challenges, fun, PRIDE, and oh the list goes on… I believe that the red thread took me there and for that I am forever thankful. And to those who handled my thread at one time or another, thank you. And if you ever need me, just let me know. The thread holds fast.
“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet,
regardless of time, place, or circumstance.
The thread may stretch or tangle,
but it will never break.”
Can we talk?
As of today I am beginning my vacation. I will probably show up again later in the week, but I wanted to clear my head and get in the right frame of mind. I’m really fortunate to love my job… I mean I LOVE my job! And right now there are a plethera of exciting opportunities ahead for my programs. We’ve completed our strategic plan and are now about the business of implementing it. The excitement means that my head is spinning with ideas and details and the “To Do” list is causing my notepad to run dangerously low on space. I’m really excited about the break, but I will also be excited to get moving when I return. Rest assured, I am clear that I am in a unique position – I really do love my job, even the bad days.
In order to really clear my head I need to share (and then purge from my vacation mind) some information I came across yesterday while wrapping up at work. It has left me perplexed. Actually, it pissed me off. Now, I can hate the war and love the warriors, so please don’t take this as an affront to those who are doing all that we have asked them to in crazy times of unrest. That’s not my point. Here’s what got me. I received a fax that addressed sexual assault in the military. It said enough to actually make me go to the website right after seeing it. www.ablackrose.org Did you know that 1 in 3 women in the military will experience sexual assault or harrassment (as opposed to 1 in 6 in civilian life)? That is CRAZY! But what is more crazy are the stats (videos included on the home page, scroll down) and response of the military leaders and systems to this craziness! I was quickly reminded of a bumper sticker I have seen many times: “If you are not outraged, you aren’t paying attention”. Every time I think about it I just get pissed off all over again… I am aware that the military has published new protocols for victims that are designed to make the reporting, and subsequent healing process, more sensitive and intentional. And the direct service personnel that I have worked with are exceptional, but to say that the military’s response, as it relates to perpetrators, lacks luster appears to be a grossly overstated. When does that stop? Who’s accountable?
This was the first I had heard of the Black Rose initiative. I am very familiar with the Red Flag Campaign that was created by Virginia’s Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance (http://www.vsdvalliance.org) and is now being replicated on college campuses across the country. Both of these initiatives are designed to increase awareness but use of the Red Flag Campaign is a prevention strategy. The domestic violence counterpart to Black Rose is the Silent Witness initiative. In both cases, the experiences of victims are memorialized by providing a visual reference to demonstrate prevalence. VSDVAA also has a display known as “The Art of Surviving.” This amazingly powerful display includes the artwork of sexual assault survivors. Using various and sundry media, survivors tell their own stories.
… and justice for all… where is it?
Sisters – I smile because you’re my sister… I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it!
I hope that when I finish with this they will all still be speaking to me. You see, I have 3 sisters – one of each! The oldest, Kathy, is 9 years older than I and with both of our birth parents now deceased we are orphans. The youngest, my half-sister Marti, is 16 years younger than I, but at times she is the wisest of all. Kathy, Marti, and I shared Sweetpea as our father. My step-sister Natalie and I are the middle children (although at one point she was the eldest and I was the baby)! It is probably safe to say that in the scheme of things we were fairly classic middle children – we were the wild ones. Marti and Natalie have the same mom – and I have the best stepmother ever.
We weren’t always such a foursome. But now that we are it is pretty damned awesome! We do have a blast and when we get everybody’s families together it is sort of a cross between Steel Magnolias, Yours Mine & Ours, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, and The Big Chill! From time to time you might throw in a bit of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, after all, we are all GRITS at heart! We are a study in southern culture, generation and agism, family dynamics, relationships, personalities, parenthood, child development, etc. But be forewarned, if you try to mess with us you will likely see some reruns of The A-Team (but we’ll call it the “L” Team since Sweetpea Lee provided the oportunity we have to be who we are).
I was going to share some of our stories, but I couldn’t decide which ones. I will tell you, though, that I have had great pleasure reminiscing about them and have been doing a lot of laughing out loud. I think I will just choose one from time to time and share them in smaller doses. You don’t know it now, but you will appreciate that approach.
I think that what I want to say most at this point is that I am reminded almost daily how I am blessed beyond belief to have my sisters. In recent months I have found myself in a number of discussions where ”siblings/families” became a big part of the conversations. I have been surprised and dismayed at the number of families who have at least one example of in-fighting that has resulted in long term feuding and total disconnection. The surity with which they speak about the feuds yet to unfold and the dismal outcomes they anticipate really saddens me. I really can’t participate in those discussions – only listen. The discussions hang with me for a bit and then I find myself just smiling. I am not smiling because of their misfortune; I’m smiling because thinking about my sisters (most of the time) helps to keep my blood pressure in check and assures me that all is right (or will be) with my world.
Whether we are loving or fighting, just like for me with Sweetpea, I know that it is all good in the end and that we will always be sisters. Our blended families are a force! SO, to Kathy (Meryl), Natalie (Reba), and Marti (Michelle P)… I smile because you are my sisters… and… I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it. OH, and I think that Kathy Najimy will play me when the casting is done. I’ll be working on the movie rights and leaking out some of the previews in stories to come. Thank you my sisters!
I would be completely remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that each of us has partners who are perhaps the most suited (and sometimes the most tolerant) to be such. But it is also fair game to say that one shouldn’t assume that our partners’ families are a less dysfunctional group than ours — we all have our stories — but we are all who we are because of the perfect storm that has brought us together. Thunder and lightening be damned! We are, indeed, a force!
